Picture a manager who notices a team member is not behaving quite the same. Some observations include noticing that the team member’s camera is off more often, shorter replies are noted and perhaps a deadline was missed for the first time. They care about this person. They also have no idea what they are allowed to say.
So some say nothing and hope it passes. Others say too much: they ask what is going on at home, suggest a therapist, and quietly take three projects off the person’s plate without a word. The person at the centre of it still hasn’t been asked what they actually need.
If you manage people, you have probably worried about landing in one of those two places. That worry is a good sign. Here is how to care well and stay in your lane.
You matter more than you think, and you have probably had less help than you need
A global survey of 3,400 workers found that managers influence people’s mental health about as much as a spouse or partner does, and more than their doctor or therapist.1
At the same time, 60% of managers in a 2025 US survey said they feel a growing expectation to play therapist for their team, and only 23% felt equipped to handle it.2 NAMI has reported that seven in ten leaders at manager level and above have never been trained to support employees in this area.3
That is a lot of influence with very little preparation. The answer is not to become a counsellor. It is to get clear on what is yours to do.
Think in terms of scope
My occupational therapy training taught me to think about scope of practice: knowing exactly what is yours to do, and doing it well.
A manager’s scope is the work and the conditions of the work: workload, deadlines, flexibility, clarity, how people are treated day to day. It does not include someone’s diagnosis, history, home life, or treatment. The good news is that a surprising amount of real help sits inside that first list.
What to say
- Start with what you have seen, not what you have concluded. “I’ve noticed you seem stretched the last couple of weeks” opens a door. “You seem depressed” closes it.
- Ask about the work first. “How is your workload feeling?” or “Is there anything about how we are working that would make this stretch easier?”
- Let them choose the depth. “You don’t have to tell me more than you want to. I just want you to know you can.”
- Offer options and let them pick. Flexible hours for a few weeks, a moved deadline, fewer meetings. Ask which one would help rather than assuming.
What to leave alone
Questions about diagnosis, medication, treatment, or history. In the US, the EEOC describes a disability-related inquiry as any question likely to bring out information about a disability, and says employers may only ask current employees such questions when they are job-related and consistent with business necessity.4 That includes asking a colleague, family member, or doctor about the person, so the innocent “is she okay?” to a teammate counts too.
Legal risk aside, these questions change the conversation from support to scrutiny. People can feel the difference immediately. (This is general information, not legal advice. If you are unsure about a specific situation, check with an employment lawyer or HR adviser.)
There is a different way to overstep as well: taking work away without asking. To the person on the receiving end, it can feel like being sidelined or judged. Ask first, and let them decide what comes off their plate.
If they do tell you more
- Listen, and resist fixing. “Thank you for telling me” is a complete and good first response.
- Be honest about confidentiality. Tell them who, if anyone, would need to know (HR, if formal adjustments are involved) and ask before you share anything. Do not promise secrecy you cannot keep.
- Ask what they need from you at work, then do exactly what you said you would.
- Check in a week or two later about the work arrangement, not the condition.
- Point to what is available to the whole team, such as your EAP, benefits, or outside coaching, rather than singling one person out with a recommendation.
Where outside support fits
You are not meant to be anyone’s only support, and the people on your team often will not tell their manager everything, however kind that manager is. It is why a confidential outside space matters: somewhere to talk things through where the employer never learns who used it or what was said. That separation is what lets people use it honestly.
You do not need to be a counsellor to manage someone through a hard stretch well. You need to notice, ask well, adjust the work, and know where your part ends.
References
- The Workforce Institute at UKG. (2023). Managers Impact Our Mental Health More Than Doctors, Therapists, and Same as Spouses. Business Wire.
- Modern Health. (2025, March). America’s Workforce Is Burdened by Surging Stress in 2025, Fueled by Global Political Turmoil and Unmet Mental Health Needs. Business Wire.
- Fortune. (2024). Workers are desperate to talk about mental health at work but bosses just aren’t prepared to have those conversations (citing NAMI).
- U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Enforcement Guidance on Disability-Related Inquiries and Medical Examinations of Employees under the ADA.